I’m sitting here, in the cafeteria of my college wondering something. Do I enjoy being alone or does it bother me? For almost every single meal I have had, I’ve been practicing solitude. What’s been happening for the past couple of weeks is, I have been choosing to sit by myself in the Cafeteria and then I simply eat my meal. I’m trying to enjoy what I’m eating and pay attention to that rather than have some conversations that I don’t necessarily care to be having. It’s not that I am avoiding community but I’m not trying to force it. The community is a simple college community but the people are closer because it is such a small class and because we all, from what I believe, truly try to care for each other and seek genuine faith. It took me a while to look at my fellow classmates and not be judgmental. I honestly can say I hate that it took me so long because what I’ve discovered is, these are some of the greatest Christ followers that I have ever met. Granted everybody is on their own path and not everybody is going to succeed here. Yet I understand that even the most “perfect person” here may be hurting. I constantly pray for the well-being of the faculty and students here because everyone needs it.
When I first came to the school, I had way too many expectations for how things “should” be. When my expectations weren’t met I found myself growing bitter and slightly irritated with how things actually are. I found myself looking and seeking all the negative things I could find and avoiding the positive at all cost. It eventually became more stressful to live that way rather than living the simple life of trusting Christ. I was avoiding talking to Him about this. I was avoiding the truth, that my negativity was becoming part of my nature. The purpose of this post isn’t to bash other students, it isn’t to hate on my school but what I want to highlight is how my expectations affected the way I acted and the way I perceived other people. Eventually my expectations led me to judging others. Now the challenge of the day was prophecy and doesn’t have much to do with the thoughts I had during the day. And this proved to be one of the hardest days for me, simply because I couldn’t connect with the challenge. I couldn’t focus and honestly didn’t want to. I found myself constantly thinking about how I perceive people at my school and how much it bothers me. It bothered me enough to where I couldn’t focus on the challenge, I didn’t want to pray about the challenge and I went throughout the day almost forgetting I had one. I guess when I ponder on it now, it wasn’t the worst day. I think the reason I’m classifying it as as one of the worst days is because I felt excluded. And I couldn’t help but question if that exclusion was because of something I chose or because people simply don’t like me. And then we get into the whole complex mess where I question myself, do people like me? do people care about me? If I were to completely disappear from the Earth would anyone notice? I think as we get older we realize the sadness behind asking these questions. The truth of why we ask these questions is because we want somebody to care about us. We crave for someone to knock on our door every once in awhile and ask how are you doing? The sad realization is that we live in a cold and uncaring world full of cold and uncaring people. The only difference is you. The only difference is if you will choose to care about people and not just because you have too. But will you genuinely care about people. And that’s not an easy thing to do, some care comes easier than others. The care that I have for my family comes a lot easier than a stranger on the street. But what I’m learning is Christ cared for all people of all walks of life because everyone was his family. That is why it is so important that we call each other and see each other as brothers and sisters in Christ. We are all one family. We are all called to care for each other as family. So I’m thinking, am I really just practicing solitude or am I avoiding caring for my brothers and sisters in Christ? And if so, why? It’s not that I don’t like them, it’s not that I don’t care about them. And that’s where the other question of solitude comes to mind. Maybe I am just trying to practice being alone. I think I’m trying to learn how to be alone and be okay with it. Just me and God.
I’ve had a lot of interesting thoughts today. I appreciate how much God has shown me through all of this. I’m only a third of the way in and I can already feel myself changing. I don’t know if anyone reading this is actually considering getting this book but if you are a follower of Christ or not and you’re curious about how to change your mindset and how to be reborn, I would recommend this book.
God bless you and remember, you are beautifully made in the image of God.
Side Note: I am planning on running the Chicago marathon with Team World Vision, an organization that runs to raise money for clean water for kids in Africa. If you’d like to donate you can go to this link Donate Here. Besides that, prayer is always appreciated if you feel so inclined