Silence.

 

“Feeling low, feeling high, feeling down, why isn’t this enough?”

Words from a song that I happen to enjoy. The band is The Head and the Heart. If you’re looking for new music, I recommend them. today the practice was to be silent. My challenge was to be silent. Verbally glorifying God whenever you speak. I have an issue with this. It isn’t some giant biblical issue or that my beliefs are against being silent, no. I just have trouble being silent. I have trouble calming my thoughts every single day.

I recently got rid of all of my social media. I got rid of it because every time I would go online and see people having fun, I’d feel down. Or every time it was my birthday or every time I would post something I found myself dependent on the amount of likes or comments. In real life, not the life we portray through an illuminated screen that stares back,  my mind races. I find myself speaking before I think. I find myself interrupting people and adding unnecessary “oh’s” and “mhmm’s” to conversations. Yes I listen, but there is part of me that I think is afraid to get my words out. I’m afraid that I won’t have any opinion or that I won’t be heard. I’m afraid to feel crushed under the weight that I put on myself.  Feeling like what I have to say is important. So today was hard for me. It wasn’t hard verbally because I ended up being sick, stomach issues. I stayed in my room practically the entire day. Occasionally I left to get food and would attempt to keep in my stomach. But my mind today……..my mind today hurt me. There came a point when I realized that I hadn’t talked to God the entire day and I felt terrible. I didn’t feel terrible because I hadn’t talked to Him but I just let depressive thought’s creep in. There came a point when I just wanted to lie on the ground and cry. Because what I truly felt in my heart was loneliness. I still feel loneliness. I still think about how much I try and care about people and the favor is never returned. I hate these thoughts because that’s not the point. I should not go out of my way to do something for someone to show them that I care because I expect the favor to be returned. Or expect them to show me the same amount of care that I showed them. But my heart still hurts. There was a moment when I was going to the bathroom and I ran into a friend. She gave me her sympathies for me being sick and then told me how she had ran into my close friend that I have spoken about previously. This is the friend that I no longer speak to. There was no way she could have known that we aren’t speaking. She did nothing wrong.  But what happened was, I begin to think about him. I hate thinking about him. These weren’t good thoughts, these weren’t bad thoughts, they were just thoughts. The main thought being I don’t want to think about him anymore. I’ve been doing a good job of trying to calm and lessen my thoughts. I’ve been going out during the day to get away from campus and connect with people that God brings me. But today was rough. Today was full of negative solitude and sadness. Anyways that’s all I have for today. On to the next day.

God bless you and remember, you are beautifully made in the image of God. 

Side Note: I am planning on running the Chicago marathon with Team World Vision, an organization that runs to raise money for clean water for kids in Africa. If you’d like to donate you can go to this link Donate Here. Besides that, prayer is always appreciated if you feel so inclined. 

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