Today’s challenge proved to be a real challenge. Spiritual warfare…
Honestly, I didn’t want to write this post. That’s why it’s a day off. Day five hurt my heart so much. It started out so simple, so easy, I felt okay. I was thinking about the concept of spiritual warfare and I was reflecting back on how it affects my life. Now, over the past few weeks I have been feeling a lot better and many old friends and family have even been commenting on how I seem happier. I have been relying on God. In my happiness, I have turned to Him and have truly felt so close to Him. But I want to stress something, I am not a perfect person. Day five made me realize that God is always working on me. He never quits. And I still have tendencies to get angry. I’m still tempted to sin. Yesterday had some great moments though. I was able to open up to a friend who I had been talking to for a while. We both got to a point where we felt comfortable with each other and I’m very grateful for that. Even in a day full of negativity, I’m learning to see the blessings and the conversation we had was one of them
I was planning on going home again to take part in worship at my church and my mom was nice enough to pick me up. We were having a nice car ride, but I was slightly irritable. I ride on the train for about an hour to get to her and then she drives for an hour before we reach my house. I prayed before hand that our conversation would go well and that I wouldn’t let my anger and irritability slip purely from my frustration of commuting. The entire car ride was fine but what hit a sore spot was when she began to ask about my jobs for the summer. As I’ve mentioned in a previous post, I have had terrible luck finding a job in the city. I used to work for Starbucks for about two years and unfortunately had to leave because I tore three tendons in my left ankle while working on a farm in Mexico – that’s a whole other story though. I left Starbucks and was marked rehire-able. After a couple months I found two other jobs that paid more than Starbucks. I was a waitress/hostess at an Italian restaurant and worked at Bed Bath and Beyond. I worked every day but Sunday due to church. I’m not able to go back to the restaurant over the summer due to staffing needs but I am able to go back to Bed Bath and Beyond. The only thing is, I found out that Starbucks would take me back for more money. As I’m writing about this, I realize I need to pray on this more than I think. Am I doing things for money? Security? Because it’s easy? I have to remind myself that it’s not my choice. Anyways, my mother began to question my plans for the summer. I had already decided to contact one of my old bosses from Starbucks because I knew they paid higher and they could offer me more hours than Bed Bath. I felt stressed all of a sudden as she questioned me. I felt that she was accusing me of being lazy and I felt she was accusing me of not realizing how incredible this opportunity to go to school is. But I do. I thank God every single day for allowing me to go to a school that isn’t as expensive and that I will be able to go into ministry debt free. I started to get angry because I felt she was accusing me of not wanting to work and not being grateful. So we fought. I raised my voice, she raised her’s. We went back and forth in a game of who can make the other person feel more insignificant. When my mom and I fight, neither of us want to back down. Both of us wanted to be right. We say things we don’t mean and we hurt each other. I hated it. It came to a point where I just yelled for it to stop. As I yelled, I instantly felt guilty. I held my head all the way home thinking, “what have I just done.” As we came home I couldn’t go inside, I just needed to walk off my anger. I took my backpack and walked into the neighborhood by my house. I was planning on walking to the library that was about an hour walk away. I called my sister about five minutes in to the walk and asked if she could pick me up when I got there. Being that she is a new mother, she was able to talk me down and through my tears. My whole heart hurt. I wasn’t angry anymore but I was filled with shame. I was filled with heart break and regret. I thought, “I just ruined everything that God gave me over this past month” and “who am I? what is wrong with me?” I eventually came back inside the house to see my one year old niece. She made it a lot better. I still felt very fragile and after about an hour of playing with her I accidentally closed a cabinet door on her finger. I watched her tear up and I quickly opened up the cabinet door. I ran upstairs to my room as my sister picked her up to comfort her. I just curled up in my bed and cried. I know it was an accident and it wasn’t my fault but I hurt her. I never want to put her in pain ever, physical or emotional. I hated myself. Things calmed down after that. I felt down but I new that I just needed to rest. So I did.
Every day starts out as a good day, sometimes we just need to hear that to know it’s true. That’s how I’m trying to live my life and like I’ve said before, it’s not easy. But that’s what comes with walking with Christ. I also think that day five was full of pent up sorrow. I still have sadness and loneliness in my heart that I haven’t addressed. There is shame and heartache on my heart that I haven’t dealt with. But I see that I’m growing and that’s only because of Him. On to the next day.
God bless you and remember, you are beautifully made in the image of God.
Side Note: I am planning on running the Chicago marathon with Team World Vision, an organization that runs to raise money for clean water for kids in Africa. If you’d like to donate you can go to this link Donate Here. Besides that, prayer is always appreciated if you feel so inclined.